PRIMARY GENITALIA
Posted by Erik Frey Mon, 26 Apr 2004 04:02:00 GMT
to take advantage of one of the last free weekends i’m going to have for a while, eric and i carted our way out to the mountains. eric found an old map of the logging roads in the jemez wilderness, and noticed that one of them came within a quarter mile of the san antonio hot springs, which was especially nice because the main trail to the hot springs is closed for another month or so, till the last of the snow melts.
we four-wheeled our way in, tumbled across a few old logging trails till we found what we hoped was the right one, and set up camp over a layer of seasonably cool spring snow. the next morning (dick soon, i promise), we grabbed the map and a water bottle, scratched our heads and took an educated guess as to which way was northwest, and started cutting across ridges and canyons. in an unprecedented display of direction sense, we found the proper canyon, followed the gushing river toward its source, and soon arrived at the springs.
we stripped off our wet, muddy clothes (can you sense the foreshadowing of dick?) and hopped into the springs, and as always it was heavenly. almost too hot for comfort. we soaked and enjoyed the morning for about 45 minutes, till we heard clop-clop-clopping of an approaching forest ranger on his mighty high horse.
SIR, PLEASE GET OUT AND PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
not really sure what i was in trouble for, i walked up to the guy and started doing the shakity-shake dance, explaining that i had no towel, so did he mind if i took a moment to dry off?
well, he explained, he was issuing me and eric a citation for public nudity, so it was probably best if i just got my clothes on.
really? public nudity? in the middle of the forest? i gave the old boys a couple extra shakes for emphasis. do you like apples?
yes, and not only that, but because he was such a nice guy, he’d give us a two-for-one deal on the citation. we’d have to show up in court and only pay TWO HUNDRED dollars instead of four hundred. boy was he doing us a favor.
the whole time he was explaining this to us, his horse was chewing on the corner of his jacket. i guess horses like forest ranger jackets.
the citation read as follows -
“I SAW [the perpetrators] COMPLETELY NAKED AT THE SAN ANTONIO HOT SPRINGS, EXPOSING THEIR PRIMARY GENITALIA IN PUBLIC.”
ignoring the tattle-tale vibe of the above text, i still have to wonder what is so primary about my genitalia? do i have a secondary genitalia? i’d sure like to know. would it be better if i wore a form fitting, package-defining lime-green speedo? whose justice is he serving by trekking out into the middle of the forest and extorting hikers?
i’d like to not be cynical. i understand and accept that i’m somewhat dead-set in the sights of the ever-obscure system, targetted in one way or another for an undue appropriation of the terms “disposable” and “income”. i have friends who swear up and down that cops are merely another mechanism for skimming money off john q. public. organized crime prevention. but this kind of justification – why aren’t cops chasing after the REAL criminals, etc – is the mantra of the over-priviledged, and in megalomaniac proportions becomes the last refuge of, what, criminals, right? it reminds me of my old friend tim, who described all cops as “piggies” because they had the gall to pull him over for doing 120 in his daddy’s beamer.
but when i review my brushes with the law, this is what i come up with:
- at the age of 10, fined 80 bucks by a bike-cop with a megaphone, squawking “ROLLERBLADER! STOP, ROLLERBLADER!”. the fine was for “rollerblading the wrong direction down a beach pavillion.”
- flipped off by a cop because he happened to be driving by as i yelled “PENIS!” at the top of my lungs. ok, for this one, i suppose i can’t blame the guy.
- fined 50 bucks for parking across from a no-parking zone. i never paid the ticket. i pretend i’m practicing civil disobediance.
- sent to court for an expired registration.
- and now, fined 200 bucks for sitting naked in a hot pool in the middle of the forest.
i don’t know. maybe i am a very bad person, and i’m lucky to have law enforcement vacuuming these pesky dollar bills out of my pocket to keep me on this side of the law, as they almost single-handedly subsidize the all-night diner industry in santa fe.
but i can’t help but feel like in the sanctity of the outdoors, removed from civilization and haut drive-through-whatever couture, i should have a few unalienable rights. live and let live in a sustainable fashion. camp. fish. hike. bike. climb. and expose some genitalia when necessary.